slowly surely + xyz : a journey of (re)discovery

I AM. Resolving

By InspiredJourney

 

She unlocks the door of the shop.

We enter.

She drops her bags, and I state: Going forward, I’d like to step away from tutoring the girls, and just focus on making the bags going from today onwawrd.

The most stern and mean eye cut from an eye followed.

I had just unintentionally stepped on a landmine.

Questioned as to why, I elaborated: “I’m hypersensitive to people and their children, and just think it’s best that I not mistakenly cross any boundaries.”

She: “Maybe some boundaries need to be crossed.”

Me: “True. But Carmen hasn’t had s word to say to me. It’s quite obvious since the whole mess Baba created.”

Her: “The children shouldn’t have to suffer because of what’s happening between adults.”

Me: “True. But it’s not my place to push the point of it all. She may very well not even want me engaging with her children, but not saying so. I am the new one in the dynamic. So, I feel it only right that I step aside and allow what was before my arrival be as it was. It’s not my place to confront her about any of it. If she fell into the mess Baba initiated, that’s on her. I will leave and everyone here will
carry on as they should.”

My eighteenyearsof parenting have truly taught me that i can no longer sacrifice myself for others. That said, i take a stand for me, and don’t put anyone else above my peace and happiness.

All things considered in this equation, I was a problem in more ways that one, and I felt it.

Me: An ‘unkempt’ minimalist, who smelled a bit when the sun heated the Atlanta to certain temps. Prior to this blistering day, I had announced in a conversation that I didn’t wear antiperspirant or deodorant. In San Francisco, or any other place I’ve been of late, that was cool. I could safely live free from those chemicals, without being offensive to anyone. But one day in Atlanta, I was a bit ripe,
it didn’t go unnoticed by me or anyone.

I instantly felt stupid.

A rare occurrence for me, but I felt awkwardly stupid and wanted to leave.

I felt I had put myself in a situation that was attacking my peace. From mornings starting with Baba loudly cursing at the morning news, to the silly Carmen/Wynton shit, the suggestion I am kind of “witchy”. Assumptions made and being told I should teach. When I rebuffed that suggestion, being asked if I am okay with where my life will be in fives and I affirm I am, I’m met with “I wish I could live like you”. My response to that: You can.

People always assume you’re either not working or hard (like they do), or taking life as a joke (like they don’t), or that your perpetual travel means some other triviality in their mind and the slights come raining down upon you.

The passive aggression was more than I could bear, and at the point Baba made the statement he wished he could live like me, I responded with “let me look for my ticket”.

He caught that and asked if I had already grown sick of Atlanta, to which I answered “YES!”

I. Was. So. Over. Him.

I was so mad at myself for even going and setting myself up for this barrage of anger, resentment, juvenile antics and needless shit.

I was mad at me, but had nearly three more weeks to endure, given I’d found a nicely priced flight that kept me grounded until such time.

I endured and persisted with my creations including the lonely untrustworthy pouf.



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