slowly surely + xyz : a journey of (re)discovery

I AM. Racing 

By InspiredJourney

December: the month of reflection.

December: the month before January.

January: the first blogversary of Slowly Surely + xyz.

January: the month to declare and set the trajectory of the year to come.

This blog was started to chronicle my rediscovering me, and discovering home.

The Present Moment: There are days I spend several minutes, torturing myself, sifting through airfares on a few Flight apps.

Examination: I’ve surmised I’m constantly looking for inspiration. I’m looking for a passive way to make a decision to take action. Realizing this is a rather spineless way of effecting change in my life, I’m forced to confront the fact that I don’t know how to get to a place of being proactive. At this point, I’m on the path of being reactive, which is nothing more than being wastefully gripped by fear. This is no justification, but more my calling BS in my assessment of the last year, and really seeking courage to do different.

I have arrived at understanding the fear stems from what I’ve declared as a slim margin for error. Yes, perfectionism is at play here. But so is reality. I have exercised a bit of ‘discipline’ (read: not fully living) to save a bit of reserve that I’d like to not touch. The fact is, this habit is feeding and propping up the fear. I literally don’t spend anything beyond my strict budget; being it for clothing or having any semblance of a social life. And though the habit of saving is good, within reason, I’ve taking it to the level of just not enjoying anything about life. Granted I’ve taken a few flights to places I’ve never been, and to places I have, I’m still not living. This is a problem that needs resolution.

Hoping to get to the crux of my issues and pulling the string that will unravel the suffocating veil I’m wearing, I’ve been naming what I think the blocks are; rewinding and examining the mental tapes that hold me hostage versus living. I’ve settled on the one, perhaps, key point that I’m tired of making every decision. Fatigue, coupled with fear making the wrong decision equals miserably stuck.

When tracing my herstory, leaving my mom and stepdad’s home soon after graduating high school, I’ve been responsible for my wellbeing have taken a real toll. With the exception of crashing a couple sofas, having a few roommates and living with Grem’s dad, I’ve been on my own. Since 2004, it’s been primarily been Grem and me, … until recently. Now, it’s just me and I fear I don’t have the energy to make any serious life altering changes.

In this given moment, and though I find it hard to accept, this is my truth.

Thankfully I’m still inspired creatively, and filled with ideas. However, I do fear the effects of the paralysis I’m living with. I live believing I’ll turn the corner; that there will be a moment of inspiration that is undeniable and will positively change the course of my path.

I believe this.

I live, but am feeling more pressure as the sun sets with each passing day. I live and in a race to prevail over the haunting thought of an unfulfilled life as depicted in Dreams of a Life.

In process: A much needed awakening.

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