slowly surely + xyz : a journey of (re)discovery

I AM. Humandoing | Wanting

By InspiredJourney

 

Brace your kind self!

As per usual, I am speaking my personal truth here. It may trigger a visceral response.

For several years my wants and desires took a backseat to being a clumsy responsible single mom. Because that’s what we do, Right? Right! Umm, no! Roll with my while I meander. I’m certain  I’ll expound upon this later, to try maintaining reasonable sense.

So, parenting: though a great position, planned or unplanned for most, it wasn’t a planned one for me. And Grem, my son,  might say not a great position for me. Thus, this was a very challenging road to traverse.

I took being a mom on with great seriousness.

It was so incredibly severe theaux.

For in my mind this  baby was a 7lbs. 10oz. human! Not a fun, cute little doll to dress in fab clothing and shoes and hats and sweaters and jackets (we did that too!).

He was (is) a person.

I could write an entire book about the conception, decision, indecision, him becoming blue while nearly suffocating just after birth, nurses calling to doctors STAT and all the emotions that created subsequent baggage, but I won’t. Be forewarned: these thoughts and events are likely to overflow onto these virtual pages at some point, I’m electing to just ‘not today’.

The point today: I AM a human finally doing once again, rather than being; only existing in my case!

Hopefully, what you’ll come to understand is that though I had stopped living, I clung tight to every spark of fire for life flickering within. And now, and making moves to reignite a full-blown blazing life!

The problem.

I struggled with knowing and understanding how to bridge and incorporate all of my selves. I just didn’t know how. And to also live as an autonomous ‘adult’; including me, my interests  con with avec mommying. I was that mom, with no social life. I dared not ever have a babysitter to care for the child I had born. To do so would equate to me pawning off my responsibility to someone else; infringing upon them, and their lives of doing.

No, no, no. I’d rather strangle myself before doing so. In fact, in a metaphorical way, I did hang myself.

As so many mothers do, I had forgotten me.

The split from Grem’s father, Chef, happened at age 6.

I made a clean break; packing the remains of that which I hadn’t sold, donated or trashed into my 1991 Navy Blue Honda Accord EX Wagon. I drove away with those things, a six-year-old and one twenty-dollar bill folded and tucked into my front right pocket. I adored this car and that we were zooming off to our new beginning.  Somehow, I didn’t quake at the fact that I had only twenty bucks!

I. We. Were. Gone.

Living in Atlanta at that time, afforded me the opportunity to regroup with family one state over. Six months later: one car crash that totaled The Honda (swiped by an 18 wheeler severing the last material connection to Chef), and a few more dollars in my pocket later, we crossed the country to San Francisco.

It never occurred to me that I’d live in San Francisco. My sight was looking towards Nevada, where I’d establish an LLC and cash in on that crazy housing bull run. The universe had other plans. After a one week visit, it was apparent Las Vegas wasn’t our fit.

San Francisco ‘home’?

Well, yes. Living in San Francisco worked for several years, until it didn’t work.

Continued here.

 



4 responses to “I AM. Humandoing | Wanting”

  1. jessica says:

    cheers to choosing you. being a mindful parent is important but, in my opinion, it’s just as important for children to see their parents taking care of themselves too…

  2. Jan Limark says:

    This is very true!

  3. […] You see, I’m no stranger to taking leaps. You can read about my stepping out with a six-year-old and twenty dollars in my pocket starting with I AM. Humandoing | Wanting […]

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