slowly surely + xyz : a journey of (re)discovery

I AM. Humandoing | Believing

By InspiredJourney

I lived a very stealthy and necessary underground existence due to having left a relationship I can now say (without questioning) was abusive. I say questioning, because often abuse is first thought of as physical. In my case, there was one instance of physical contact, by choking. However, it was the emotional abuse that hadn’t registered until several years after I left.

My move underground was so covert, two years expired before Grem’s dad and I made contact.

It was always my desire for the two of them to have the relationship they were meant to unearth and have, as I never wanted to impede this. But given the history and understanding of the personality of the man, it took time for him to send an inquiring message rather than a threatening one. At which point, I called without hesitation.

The desire to see growth, was met and replaced with the realization that: one’s expectation is only that. Your expectation is your own, and has absolutely no influence on who a person naturally is.


Upon learning I live in Sf, people speak of their love of the place; great year round weather, the beautiful architecture, delicious food, people, diversity and for some, its strangeness. After all, San Fran, only in recent years ‘banned’ public nudity. Well, they set parameters by which one could express their need to be nude in public.

True to The City’s progressive form, that change was met with protests to “Keep Sf Weird!”. Ultimately, city government 1, weird protesters 0.

Given these encounters, I often comment my appreciation for Sf. The place was a bit of a Mecca for me, in that California, numerous years prior, made prosecuting domestic violence  offenders a very real priority!

You see, having a minor child and not being independently wealthy, meant I’d need a bit of assistance from the state. And given the one instance of domestic violence recorded, meant I didn’t have to divulge my whereabouts to Grem’s dad.

Yes, San Francisco worked, for some time.

Grem and I ‘came of age’ in San Francisco.

He, sprouting through the rigors of early childhood. And I, returning to university.

But then, Sf didn’t work.

I was miserable.

There were many missing parts. I didn’t have social life. It was nonexistent. Due to  years of a possessive schedule, and again, my not knowing how to bridge – incorporate – my selves. I did the bulk of most everything on my own, with child in tow.

I did it. However, after several years of doing so, part of me broke.

School had taxed, commuting 1.5 hours each to and from school had taxed, combined with the few hours of work and full-time parenting heavily taxing. Uninvited anxiety had been secretly planning, and ultimately, crashed my party.

This, after intense, yet successful negotiations with a professor and dean and administration about my graduation date.

The party crasher forced my hand to take a semester off!

I delivered the news to the same people I had ‘battled’ with, in bloodshot red-eyed tears.

Yea, Sf was working until it wasn’t at that point.

Eventually, fractured, yet the ‘mended me’ resumed classes.

Grem navigated through to young adulthood, just graduated from Lowell High School by the skin of his teeth. And I, ‘made official’ as an artist, graduating with a degree (Hons) in art at Mills College. Yes I’m a creative, without the air quotes.


Continued here.


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