slowly surely + xyz : a journey of (re)discovery

I AM. Daring

By InspiredJourney

 

If you read herstory, you have some idea of my back story, and what led me to set off on an open-ended trip starting in San Francisco. If not, have a read to catch up, as I am all about doing forward movement.

January 1, 2017.

I was so incredibly sick; sick of myself, that is! I had been long sick of myself. However, that feeling was pushed and intensified as the clock ticked toward the latest year around our globe.

Being on the west coast of the U.S., it always feels as if we’re the last to attend the anticipated new year party. We arrive long after others have shown, partied, winding down and ready to sleep off the head-spinning libations.

Thinking, and writing that just now, makes me confronts  the pain of how that sentiment paralleled my life, because I have often felt late or on hold in life. But, I’m working on showing up for me.

Onward.

I was sick to the point of being disgusted with all the planning, dreaming, waiting, strategizing, contemplating, blah, blah, blah, not living. Can you say paralysis of analysis? Yes. That’s the currency my planning was paying me with.

As stated before, I was in San Francisco because Grem (my son) started, and ultimately, completed high school there.

He, scheduled to leave for Senegal at the end of August. I, set September as the month I would depart on my own journey to places unknown. Note that: the month I was to do this. However, September, October, November and December had come, and gone.

Deflated.

I found I had relaxed into enjoying space without the friction of living with and parenting a teens. Parent and teen(s) both are trying to navigate this young person wanting to express independence. And failing, forward it comes to be. But ‘failing’ nonetheless.

Pour moi, Grem growing into an independent young adult was veeery welcomed. As a parent or former teen yourself, you know the issues that cause major turmoil are those a younger person simply don’t have the experience to get through unscathed without major repercussions. Moms and dads must step in to clear the path while teaching and trying to create awareness about potential pitfalls. It’s a strenuous and possible nerve breaking task. Ultimately, if we live through it, we survive with our respective battle marks.

The moment he flew the coop to get on with young adulting, was my time to, well, do something. But, do I didn’t.

I didn’t until January 1.

A type of panic hit me that day. That panic led to my desperately seeking any confirmation it was time to let go of what was.

I remembered Amélie; a former neighbor returning from bus trip to Los Angeles. Puzzled why anyone would put themselves through a lonnng bus ride anywhere, I asked why?

Listening.

She responds: Because it was cheap.

(Insert doorbell chime here) Yes, I was home for this.

Inspired by this one random memory, set a chain of events set in motion.

Hmmm.

I rifled through pages on the internet looking for any cost effect (read:cheap) bus, train, plane or car ride going anywhere on January 2.

Why cheap? Because a low, no brainer price point would be an opening, as I couldn’t over think cost while my brain try talking me out of taking action.

Nothing.

Nothing inspired.

Label it what you will, but for me being denied challenged me. It only pushed my need to succeed in this quest, because: Dammit, I won’t be denied!

I was relentless; determined to find anything that spoke to me. Alas, there it is: a one way overnight bus ticket to Los Angeles leaving on, the 10th.

Armed with my debit card, and taking note of its rich red hue. In psychology, it is said the color red instigates action.

Act I did, because that’s doing. Right? Right!

I booked this one dollar plus fees, totaling four dollars ticket.

Boom! Door number one: open.

The very next breath, I felt immense pride that I had taken the step to live again. This feeling pushed me more. I now needed to organize accommodations.

Organize, I did.

I dusted and updated my Couchsurfing profile, busying myself looking for LA hosts.

I was interested in surfing with a woman. But due to there being a greater number of men hosts that showed in my preliminary search, it seemed as if finding a compatible host wouldn’t happen. For an instance I feel resistance in my body telling me to stop trying this. Stop trying to make this living life differently happen.

Negative Nunce Energy rang the doorbell, but me, I wasn’t home for to answer.

Instead, and after a few requests going unanswered, I tried again. This time including one male and older woman: ‘Fiona’, mom, artist.

SUCCESS!!!

Hearing the request accepted notification from the CS app was equivalent to, well was a lottery winning moment.

Door 2? Opened.

Happiness is when you try amid doubt, and succeed.

After confirming and messaging with Fiona, we were set and I filled with gratitude.

Gratitude filled every cell of my body through and through. I thanked the universal force AND myself for not only taking the leap, but more for having the inspiration to live moment to moment in spite of any fear that attempts to thwart my wins.

Ultimately I am here to fully show up for me and live, doing rather than being by unapologetically setting intentions to walk through all open doors.

Thus far, I have and that led to my meeting and being inspired by Fiona.

 



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