slowly surely + xyz : a journey of (re)discovery

I AM. Cross

By InspiredJourney

 

This week. Thiiiis past week.

Hmhp.

Let’s see, what’s happened this past week?

March 22nd: Forced to fire off an email of discontent to check Ngozi, after a slight.
March 23rd: Made a grocery run
March 28th:  After weeks of fretting about whether I’d be overstepping a boundary by contact Arielle’s brother for a update on her condition, I did.

Given the current affairs and heated politics here in the U.S., news and discussions are not missed on me.

That said, I’d noticed messages that might include an article, news or not, I’d share with Ngozi would always go unanswered. I even commented on in a couple of times. It also left me okay with not sharing some thoughts. I mean, if one can’t be bothered to acknowledge then it’s no different that being on a call being ignored.

However last week, the subject of tRump came up in message.

At this point, I don’t remember what sparked him stating that I “need a reality check”, with regard to my views about the current state of politics the current U.S. President.

I found myself on defense, responding while not being combative. But, being told that I and ‘the remoaners’ (meaning UK citizens that voted to remain in the EU block dubbed The Remainers) need to get off social media to see things as clearly as ‘he does’ pushed me more than I could stand.

So, I left him to his “whatever” and other condescending remarks, without response.

Even though I’d moved on from the conversation, I was left feeling the need to address the contention.

You see, this isn’t the first time Ngozi had ‘come out of his face’ with me. The first I simply faded, with the intention to move on with life minus one person in my life.

However, there was an inquiry, after months of my ignoring his messages: What did I do?

Being me, I responded to tie that loose string to close the chapter proper. I forget my response, but we fell into communicating regularly, again, until last week.

I’d truly had my fill of slights from him. I’m of the opinion that people show you what they think of you, and it was patently obvious that somewhere inside, he had a low opinion of me.

The next day, my soul is bothered and I’m feeling a call to address it and leave him to life without my being party to it.

That I felt inclined to email him heightened the level of sensitivity,
because I’ve only exchanged proper emails with him, like never.

What follows is the response that poured out of me:

So, considering we reside on opposite spectrums, I’m sure you may not receive this as I intend.

The team has come that I push back in a way that I wouldn’t normally. Here I am, feeling a serious need to respond to your position that I “need a reality check”.

The timing of that fallout was interesting, in that it happened just after I’d found a ticket to London and was looking at accommodations in Lisbon. I was going there to sit in the sun after I popped through to see you in London. But as it’s said, things happen for a reason.

I’m glad they did.

First and foremost, you seem to enjoy throwing daggers.

This is the second time you’ve come at me with an unwarranted slight. The first was your insinuating a correlation between Bene’s situation and I.

From my perspective, you were completely wrong, because unlike Bene,
and you for that matter, I’m not in dire straits.

I find it vicious, and truly have zero desire to make room to tolerate such.

With that first incident, you found my not responding to subsequent messages from you. I should have maintained that position. Here I am again. But this time, taking action to move on from someone who obviously has a poor opinion off me.

There have been times you’ve talked over me, you’ve told me how I feel even when I’m clearly speaking for myself. It’s so strange that I had to pause to ask you if you were okay, because you telling me how I feel even though I’m the one who would know.

This, to me, speaks volumes that I’ve made the impression that I’m either stupid and anyone but me knows more than I know about me. Or perhaps you deemed I’m seriously sub-par and incapable of speaking for myself. I assure you neither are the case.

In that instance, you were no better than Kojo after he felt it his place to dictate what a person is allowed to do with my body. I tell you, it’s not good.

I find it odd that a person holding three degrees; one being in finance and another in law, is living in basic financial ruin; living on a thread is coming for me in such a vicious way. I on the other hand am more than sufficiently taking care of myself (post doing okay as a fulltime single mom), not on the verge of being homeless; post being evicted from a house I sold to mindlessly throw money away day trading after several years doing the same prior to and not successfully, as you have.

Reality check?

Okay.

I find it odd that when suggesting said person consider doing business outside of the job (that’s obviously not paying them a comfortable living wage to said person), they scoff: I have a degree in finance and was a trader. I know business. With all that supposed knowledge and experience, wouldn’t consider doing something to help stave off being homeless?

I mean, who needs a reality check?

I would think it’s the person showing signs of no self-love and obviously blazing a trail to live in destitute after feeding their obvious addiction.

Remember stating “It’s part of me now”?, when I made a very gentle stated that your activity seems to verge on addiction?

Yeah.

I question your ability to look at the core of anything, much less what a person like tRump and his ilk are up too.

That you, a single male felt you needed to sell your home to feed a fantasy to have more money because ‘what woman wants a man with no money’ (your sentiment at the time), would charge it’s, and thus I, am not normal because I have zero desire to fall into a relation because you deem it’s abnormal is pure comedy!

I do my best to dodge as many bullets as I can. There are many males in the world, some okay, some not. I have elected to focus on me, because I really like myself and I truly complete me.

As a woman that’s had four marriage proposals from three men, it tells me that a relationship is possible. Marriage is not the end all for me, as it is for some. And I don’t have to fall into it simply because I’ve been asked.

I’ll share this: The time I moved to France to after dating and traveling long distance for a couple of years, left me more focused on me and parenting. That focus was cemented after meeting a bad fit once we returned to San Francisco. I’ve always liked myself, and thus never needed a partner to complete me, as some do.

I can tell you I’ve learned why there is only one guy I felt I should have accepted the proposal from. That is what being with oneself does; helps one have greater clarity and be a whole person that’s capable of being a partner. Given his mental and emotional intelligence, I found him quite complementary. If it hadn’t been that we diverged on which country we wanted to live, it would have worked well.

That you, a twice-divorced male of a certain age, doesn’t get that it’s not about having money but more a disposition that appeals to a woman of quality is, well, I don’t know, sad(?).

That YOU, an Immigrant, sit in the pious seat a nationalist or supremacist would/does is baffling!

If it wasn’t for colonialism led by Britain, countries that are primarily black and brown might not be “shitholes”, as described by tRump; you know African countries like Nigeria.

Perhaps he’s right in some cases. I mean, who cares what venom this figurehead of the US at this moment spouts, right? Who cares there may be a war with Iran or North Korea, because this guy is impulsive? I’m sure the thousands of casualties who’d perish do. Who cares he and his ilk have used social media, in conjunction with Putin to sow discord here…and there in Great Britain?

That you, an immigrant, seemingly advocates for the person that can’t be bothered to read his daily briefs, but more trying to appeal to the lowest base racist citizen who’d like nothing more than to Make America Great Again. When was America great? What’s the problem with a growing population of non-white people?

Who thinks a person or persons would drive the national debt to over a trillion to give tax cuts to those living off the interest of billions is one to stomp for?

What person states he needs to be paid a living wage advocates for such?

What person thinks an impulsive, petulant old person who is now hiring
right-winged ideological ‘tv personalities’, such a war hawk that
wants to start a new war with North Korea and Iran; the same person that encouraged the Iraq war. He hires a conspiracy theorist to be the latest addition to a team of lawyers to walk him through the Russian probe? One that has already resulted in convictions of his first national security advisor, one campaign official that was entangled in heavy back fraud with another campaign advisor who doubles as one working in Russia and the Ukraine elections?

A person who thinks it’s nothing more than a bunch of whining, is out of complete touch.

I will say I have seen this from other immigrants who come from dire situations and have to scratch and bite to have something. They’ve adopted their new home countries (read: western countries), bought the tainted liquor and drink it down in huge gulps, are made drunk and thus oblivious of how they themselves have adopted insane views that actually worked against the people of the places they’ve come from. In fact the mindset and forces they’ve adopted are still oppressive to them personally and people currently living in the places from which they came.

That you project you reside above foolish superficial thinking and behavior; that your take on what’s going on is superior because You are reading what’s at the core is laughable because your judgment is positively questionable. This is evident by choices that have landed you in your current station in life.

I could go on, but I really only care to convey that I’m electing to move on and leave you to live your life digging deeper holes.

I’m not interested in you lashing out at me anymore.

You can have your ideas and continue ‘living well’, as I move. I’m not interested in being spoken to as it I’m an out of touch idiot.

Oh, and I’m of the opinion the woes and wars in this world rest squarely at the feet of narcissistic, competitive, dumb males, similar to those that fall prey to being religious martyrs.

I’m done.

All the best to you. Hope your situation makes a turn for the best.

Though he responded, there was nothing to inspire me to follow-up. I could only experience it as him drawing more attention to himself, rather than the venom spewed.

Le sigh. My ship has one less mate.

The latest grocery run was better than the last; where I fell into a serious state of dizziness just after making it to the market, during shopping, on the trip back to my place and ‘collapse’ upon entering my door to preemptively stave off fainting.

I managed a pretty decent haul that included buying ingredients for baking. Last week was all pizza. I’d never made pizza dough. But I must say it is new staple, as I saw how I would extend my need to shop by a week or more.

I mean, I set a record by making it 21 days in between shopping trips the month of February. Sadly, this was a source of joy and pride.

I am grateful I’m physically, mentally and financially able to make these runs, but I wouldn’t complain if I had a personal shopper and chef.

Arielle.

For the last couple weeks, I’d been wanting to check in to see if she was out of hospital and able to receive calls. I didn’t act on it, because I didn’t want to cross a boundary with the wishes of her family to deal without being hassled by outsiders.

However, the inclination to make sure she was okay was strong. I wanted her to know I had been and continued to send positive vibes or a full recovery from whatever ailed her.

So, I messaged her brother, stating I was holding off, but would like check if she’s okay and can receive calls.

He responded that she was indeed okay and sent her number.

I called.

No answer.

Knowing my phone called from an unknown number, I sent a text.

An hour or so later she responds politely, but with a bit of distance while citing she’d been told I was in LA.

I responded that I was happy to hear all is well, and that no I offered to come to LA if I could be of assistance in any way.

She thanked me and wished me a Happy Easter.

The energy was very much distant and I didn’t push. I wished her well, offering help if she ever needed it.

The end.

March is over. April is near.

What fools, if any, are made today?



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