slowly surely + xyz : a journey of (re)discovery

I AM. Baaack

By InspiredJourney

 

Surprised.

From the first time I step into my bathroom, I was met with a noticeably darker face looking back at me.

Minimalist: the palette in my place is neutral. The place is sparsely decorated; walls and furnishings. There’s lots of natural light flowing through all windows.

Seeing the contrast of my skin in this environment was pleasant.

I was revived.

The questions from neighbors rolled in: I haven’t seen you in a while. Where have you been?

Vague, as per usual: In and out, here and there.

I was chastised a bit: You should have told me you weren’t going to be around.

I do my best to avoid these interactions, because: bothered, always bothered by this.

San Francisco: the same, but new-ish.

I’m experiencing the city the way a frequent visitor might, I enjoy walking through the city, and seeing it with cleared lens.

Though the thought of my next trip was at the fore of my mind, I noticed I felt more at peace than I did prior to setting off for five weeks. I felt okay being here, while thinking it would only be a moment in space in time before I was on to the next, destiny.

I loved slinking and sleeping between the sheets of the nicely bed left made before I set off. Any traveler knows the joy of being on a trip, experiencing the place and returning to familiarity; to a ‘home’ left clean and in order. I enjoyed the space and honored my sense of renewal.

A mystifying ambivert, I present in a few ways to people: fun, serious, not-so-serious, mean, silly, harsh, dominant and more. I even I give them impression of being flighty. LOL. I think the latter is a subconscious intention. I do know I can unequivocally state I am seriously private. I may be to a fault. Le Sigh. It’s a more than slight hinderance, to say the least.

I digress.

But back in San Francisco.

Grem wasn’t due back for a few more months. I would speak with him to gauge his plans for post his time in Senegal. I knew freshman year was on the board of things of musts, but not much more. He seemed to not have any answers to my queries. I guess he’s learned the art of being intentionally vague from his ‘sensei’; mom who holds information until it’s necessary, timely and important to share.

I realize it would take more time for me to not linger in such a gray area of having a defined plan and trajectory for the next years of my life. As a mom, I confess I never want Grem to feel abandoned in some way. This tends to keep me twisting in the wind, when it comes to making moves towards discovering my soul’s home. I despise this aspect of my personality. I experience it as a prison. Intellectually I know this is just par for the course of being a mom. However, in the vein of just being my honest self, I. Hate. It. I hate that I feel such deep loyalty to someone and not that loyal to my life, living.

It’s a mixed deck of cards dealt to moms like me; we have given our best, because human decency and desire to do no harm. I must confess I’m soooo-oooo-oooooo over not being able to put me first. Some part of my being is SCREAMING to just go. But then, my ‘reasoning’ mind stops me and questions ‘what if?’ What if something happens when I’m thousands of miles away? What if this…what if this? It’s not even a matter of various what ifs. It’s the same one or two that are like concrete block that have hardened after my feet were immersed in the wet grey sludge.

What if?! Dammit!!!

What if?

[Shrugs] I don’t know.

And there, invisibly engraved, is the problem.

No one sees it. Hell, I don’t see it, but I live it.

I breathe it, even when I’m not aware it has breath. It’s not until moments like this, when I’m memorializing my thoughts that these, seemingly epiphanal moments occur. Truth is, this is no epiphany. I live this like a bad Jackass practical joke on steroids on perpetual loop in silent movie slow and fast and slow motion form. It’s displaying, film rolling through an old projector in a dark film house with no light on the film. It’s there; the humming of the machine. It’s quiet, yet noisy.

So, I’m in San Francisco wondering if France is the place I should be. I wonder if Holland is where I should be. I wonder if South Africa is where I should be…Portugal?

And then, I’on know.

  1. Let’s see, benevolence?


2 responses to “I AM. Baaack”

  1. Grace says:

    As a mom I can relate to this. It’s a constant struggle of wanting to do things for me but also want the best for my son. When possible I just tag him along. But the urge of doing the “me” stuff is always there. And I need to start doing them without feeling guilty.
    By the way Europe is a nice place to travel to. I live in Amsterdam and have been to Paris several times I really love it there!The south of France is really beautiful and worth a visit. Today we are travelling to Greece.
    Goodluck with figuring out what’s next.

    • Yes Grace!
      I’m a work in progress, and determined to shake the feeling and forge ahead with the business of living.
      I have an associate who leaped to Rotterdam and never looked back. She is now Dutch for a couple years, and gave up her U.S. passport upon getting her Dutch citizenship.
      Would love to check in with you some time. We can quell those feelings and do us, a bit more.
      Movement is happening!

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